Silhouette dance by ella marie

 

All week, I had a low, low grade fever – just enough to make my skin sensitive and my eyelids hurt. All week, I felt exhausted, even though I went to bed earlier than usual and took naps during my lunches. And all week, I had a sore throat – just enough to make me uncomfortable and make each breath scrape as it passed. All week, I kept thinking, “Okay, what’s going on here? Am I sick, or what?”

 

By Thursday night, I was just weary, and I’d had one of those days that wore me down from start to finish. One of those days where I just wished that my mother would come along and tuck me into her pocket and keep me there all day. One of those days where I simply wanted my mom.

 

So, I called her and told her that – something which I have not been particularly likely to do lately. I told her I loved her, and that all day long, I’d simply longed to be her daughter, and to be cared for by her.

 

This was momentous, because it’s been brought to my awareness that I have been courting her displeasure and disapproval. All along, I’d been telling myself and anyone else who would listen that what I really wanted was her approval and that I just couldn’t understand why she just couldn’t accept me and who I am and why she and I no longer seemed able to be friends. (Whine, whine, poor me, poor me. Puke.)

 

I started to do a lot of soul searching about it. I came to see the truth of my behavior, and the results of my behavior. And, as a good friend and mentor pointed out, my mother and I were locked together in a dance – where I darted in, and she pulled away. Where I pushed and she retreated.

 

In my heart, was this the kind of relationship I wanted to have with her? No. But it was definitely the one my ego was choosing for me. And now that I had come into consciousness about it, I had to make a choice. I could either allow things to continue as they were – but in full knowledge of the situation and the predictable outcome – or I could choose differently.

 

I thought about what I really want to have between my mom and myself. All I really want is to love her. All I can control are my own actions, and my own reactions. I can make different choices. I can take different steps in our dance – offering her the choice to take different steps, too.

 

My phone call to her Thursday night was part of the new dance. The one where I get to love her for the wonderful woman she is, for the wonderful mother she is, for the wonderful spirit she is.

 

Tomorrow is the new moon – the time to set intentions for the coming cycle, the time of beginnings and startings. I intend to dance to a new tune with my mom, and to just allow myself to love her, to appreciate her. I intend to allow this to seep into my consciousness, and to allow these new steps to gradually become a comfortable habit.

 

And above all? I’m grateful to have the opportunity to do this now. I know that she and I don’t have forever as these people in this life – and in this life, I intend to open my heart and just love her.

 

Love you Mom …

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